Are you the breadwinner of the family? Have you been blessed with windfall and is expected by your siblings to give them or their children balato or significant money gifts?
In Filipino and Asian culture where families are closely-knit, there is always an assumption that good fortune enjoyed by one sibling should be automatically shared with the others. For example, if one family member becomes a successful entrepreneur, he may be expected to find jobs for his brothers and sisters and probably their children as well. The brother or sister with more money may pay for the educational fees and related needs for the nieces and the nephews.
What siblings owe one another has no ready answer. Family history, cultural traditions, and personal beliefs shape the way how siblings share with, support, and help one another.
Here are few suggestions for siblings dealing with money differences that can maintain understanding and fellowship in the family.
1. If you lend to a sibling, consider it as a gift. Do not expect to get paid or to receive anything else in return.
If it would be hard for you to lend on this basis, then it’s better to not lend money to your sibling at all.
Lending money to a sibling or any family member for that matter can be emotionally uncertain. It may cause discomfort, anxiety, and bitterness on both sides and can even destroy your relationship.
To avoid being in this kind of emotional mix-up, just think that the money you are lending is an absolute gift to your sibling. Even though you still want to call it utang.
And because you never expected your money to be returned, then you will no longer be disappointed. But if for some good reason your money is returned, then you can just consider it as a miraculous surprise. 😀
2. If you borrow money from a sibling, pay it back in full as soon as possible.
It may be impossible to control your siblings, but you can control your own behavior. So no matter what your sibling is thinking when giving you a loan, make sure that you return the money as soon as you can.
Let go of that piso fare vacation for now. Or pass up on that first car that you’ve been offered by your neighboring dealer through a low downpayment scheme.
Being guilt-free as soon as you pay back your debt is something that will give you greater happiness in the long run.
3. Consider your brothers and sisters as siblings and not as parents or children.
It is an accepted norm among Filipino families to take responsibility for the life of a brother or sister, especially if one has achieved financial success. But being in the position of the family hero of sorts for your siblings has almost always been a mistake. It usually hurts the sibling just as much as it hurts you.
There are many stories where there’s only two siblings in the family. The elder one or the more financially-capable feels responsible for the other one. He or she would give the other a few thousand pesos perhaps, just to keep it going until he or she gets that new job or that new project. But in cases like this, luck is seldom achieved, or never at all.
While it is hard to resist to continue helping out your struggling brother financially, you have to practice tough love. Your sibling has to learn to stand on his own feet, or at least stop relying on you, especially if you are already married. Otherwise, your marriage may not survive. You have to communicate everything with your partner or spouse about whether or not to support a sibling’s financial needs. A spouse’s role to give ultimatum can sometimes give the spine needed to get you firm with a sibling.
Turn off the money faucet to your siblings and see how in time they will find a way to earn enough to take care of themselves and their needs.
4. Keep control of the psychological impact your siblings have on you
Your brother or sister can be the leading emotional “bullies” of your lives. Due to the strings of memories and psychological connections you share with them, they can sometimes bring us back to negative childhood behaviors and attitudes with the way they speak and act.
Never allow this to happen. If necessary, break away from your family for a time so that you can have freedom to change and grow. If you are the “bully” in the family, try to resist the temptation. It may be fun to tease your brothers and sisters, but it can be destructive. So don’t even think about doing it.
When you are the bunso or the youngest among the siblings, most likely you were pampered and was never given any chores. You were never expected to take on any responsibility. And because you lack this responsibility, you could mismanage your salary or income from your business if you don’t do something.
“Break up” with your siblings for a time. If not, their attitudes and assumptions about you would encourage you to revert to your old patterns of behavior.
Stop your bad old habits and grow a fresh and more developed relationship to money.
5. When your sibling’s situation is extremely serious, always take charge.
There are times when siblings experience health problems and may not have prepared any emergency fund. Or they may have already used up their insurance proceeds. In cases like this, and your sibling has no one else to turn to but you, it’s never bad to be the taya, to be the sibling-in-charge.
Take over the situation and make some sacrifice. Generosity should have no limit and no expiration date. You can always practice tough love but be present when no one else will.
No One Size Fits All Solution
There is no absolute formula to handle financial differences among siblings. But you can initiate and develop a set of shared understanding on how money will play its role in your relationships with your siblings.
You can talk about this with your siblings and other family members and make an agreement. It’s very important that expectations and boundaries are set clear so that you can avoid any misunderstandings and hurt feelings in the long run.
Rock your way to abundance!
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